Individualism and Islam: Why We Need to Rebuild Our Relationships

This lesson is extracted from our Ethical Living course. Access the full course here.

We live in a world that constantly tells us to put ourselves first. Follow your dreams. Do what makes you happy. Protect your peace. You do not owe anybody anything. If a relationship becomes difficult, walk away. If your family disagrees with your choices, ignore them. If your responsibilities get in the way of your personal goals, perhaps those responsibilities are the problem.

Some of this advice sounds reasonable because there are times when we genuinely need to take care of ourselves, establish boundaries, and pursue our own goals. But when these ideas become the foundation of how we understand life, something goes wrong. We begin to see every relationship in terms of what we can get out of it, every responsibility as a burden, and every inconvenience as a reason to walk away.

This is one of the problems with individualism, an ideology that has become so deeply embedded in modern culture that many of us have absorbed its assumptions without even realizing it.

Islam offers a different way of looking at life. It recognizes our individual rights, our personal goals, and our need for rest and personal development. But it also teaches us that we have obligations towards others. We are not isolated individuals who happen to live alongside other people. We are part of families, communities, and an Ummah, and our lives are intertwined with the lives of those around us.

The challenge is to recover this understanding of life in a world that increasingly encourages us to think only about ourselves.

Islam Is a Religion of Relationships

One of the most important lessons we find in classical Islamic literature is that human beings need each other. Imam al-Mawardi discusses this reality in his writings, reminding us that human beings are social creatures who cannot fulfil all their needs on their own.

This is an important starting point for understanding Islamic teachings on relationships. Allah created us with different strengths, weaknesses, skills, and needs. We depend on other people in countless ways, and our lives become better when we learn to work together rather than trying to do everything ourselves.

Islam therefore places tremendous emphasis on maintaining good relationships. We have responsibilities towards our parents, spouses, children, relatives, neighbours, friends, and the wider Muslim community. Each of these relationships comes with its own rights and obligations.

Consider Adab al-Mufrad, the collection of hadith compiled by Imam al-Bukhari on manners, character, and social conduct. Its early chapters address the rights of mothers and fathers, followed by discussions of other relationships and responsibilities. The structure itself reminds us of something important: Islamic character cannot be separated from how we treat other people.

Being a good Muslim is not simply a matter of praying, fasting, reading the Qur’an, and spending time in personal worship. These acts are essential, but our religion also teaches us how to live with people, serve them, forgive them, and fulfil their rights.

We are expected to be part of society. We are expected to contribute to our families and communities. We are expected to help people, show generosity, and maintain relationships even when doing so is difficult.

This does not mean that we should neglect our health, abandon our personal goals, or spend every waking moment serving others. Islam teaches balance. But there is a strong emphasis on being useful to other people, and this has always been an important part of Islamic character.

Historically, Muslims were known for their generosity and hospitality. A stranger could arrive in a Muslim community and find people willing to help simply because he was a fellow human being or a fellow Muslim. Such generosity was not always based on what the giver might receive in return. It was part of a worldview in which helping others was a good deed and a means of earning the pleasure of Allah.

This is the kind of character we need to revive.

The Sunnah of Maintaining Relationships

The importance Islam places on relationships becomes particularly clear when we consider how it teaches us to deal with difficult people.

The Prophet ﷺ taught that the believer who mixes with people and patiently bears the harm they cause is better than the believer who avoids people and does not patiently bear their harm. This hadith, reported in Sunan Ibn Majah, highlights an important aspect of Islamic character.

It is easy to be patient when we are alone. It is easy to feel that we are good people when nobody is challenging us, disappointing us, or testing our patience. But relationships reveal our character. They force us to confront our own shortcomings and learn to deal with the shortcomings of others.

People will sometimes say things that hurt us. They will disappoint us, misunderstand us, and make mistakes. Even the people we love most will occasionally upset us. This is part of being human.

Islam teaches us to develop the patience and maturity needed to navigate these difficulties. Rather than abandoning every relationship at the first sign of trouble, we should learn to forgive, overlook ordinary mistakes, and work towards reconciliation.

The Qur’an provides us with powerful examples of this approach.

Consider the story of Prophet Yusuf عليه السلام. His brothers wronged him terribly, eventually leaving him in a well and setting in motion years of separation from his family. Yet when Allah later reunited Yusuf with his brothers and gave him the upper hand, he chose forgiveness rather than revenge. He did not use his position to humiliate them or make them suffer as they had made him suffer. Instead, he forgave them and helped restore the family relationship.

This is a remarkable example of rising above our own hurt. Yusuf عليه السلام had every reason to remember the injustice he had suffered, yet he chose a response that brought the family back together.

We find another example in the story of Abu Bakr رضي الله عنه and the slander against Aishah رضي الله عنها. One of those involved in spreading the slander was Mistah ibn Uthathah, a relative whom Abu Bakr had been financially supporting. Understandably, Abu Bakr was deeply hurt and decided to stop providing that support.

Allah then revealed the verse:

“And let not those of virtue among you and wealth swear not to give [aid] to their relatives and the needy and the emigrants for the cause of Allah, and let them pardon and overlook. Would you not like that Allah should forgive you? And Allah is Forgiving and Merciful.”

(Qur’an 24:22, translation of meaning)

Abu Bakr رضي الله عنه responded by renewing his support for Mistah and expressing his desire for Allah’s forgiveness.

Think about the lesson here. Abu Bakr had been personally hurt by something deeply serious. Yet Allah reminded him of the virtue of forgiveness and overlooking the faults of others, and Abu Bakr responded with generosity.

These examples teach us that relationships require us to rise above our egos. Sometimes we must be willing to take the first step towards reconciliation, even when we believe the other person was more at fault.

There is also a profound connection between maintaining relationships and the mercy of Allah. In an authentic hadith qudsi, Allah says that He is the Most Merciful and that He has created the ties of kinship. Whoever maintains those ties will be upheld by Allah, while whoever severs them will be cut off.

The Arabic word for the ties of kinship is rahim, which is linguistically connected to rahmah, meaning mercy. The relationship between these words is a beautiful reminder of the place family ties occupy in our religion.

Allah has made relationships part of our lives for a reason. Maintaining them, particularly the ties of kinship, is an act of worship and a means of seeking His mercy.

Of course, this does not mean tolerating abuse or allowing people to continue harming us without accountability. Islam does not require us to remain in dangerous situations or pretend that serious wrongdoing is acceptable. There is a difference between overlooking ordinary human mistakes and enabling persistent harm. But where relationships are fundamentally healthy, we should not allow pride, minor disagreements, or unrealistic expectations to destroy them.

What Is Individualism?

If Islam places so much emphasis on relationships, why do so many of us struggle to maintain them?

One explanation is that we have absorbed ideas from modern culture that conflict with our religious worldview.

Individualism is a broad term, but in this context it refers to an outlook that places the individual and personal interests at the centre of life. Personal freedom, individual desires, self-expression, and personal fulfilment become the primary considerations when making decisions.

There are different forms of individualism, and not everyone who values personal freedom subscribes to every aspect of this worldview. Individual rights are not inherently contrary to Islam. The problem arises when individual preferences become more important than every other consideration, including our obligations to Allah and the rights of other people.

When this happens, responsibility begins to look like oppression. Family expectations become obstacles to personal fulfilment. Marriage becomes something to abandon when it is no longer convenient. Community service becomes a waste of time if it does not benefit us directly.

The question behind every decision becomes, “What do I want?”

Instead of asking what Allah wants from us, what our responsibilities are, or how our decisions will affect the people around us, we begin by asking how everything will benefit us personally.

This way of thinking can be difficult to recognize because it is rarely taught as an explicit philosophy. We absorb it through entertainment, social media, popular advice, and the stories we repeatedly hear about what it means to live a successful life.

We are encouraged to pursue our own happiness, protect our own interests, and avoid anything that makes us uncomfortable. Over time, we may begin to assume that our personal preferences should take priority over the needs of our families and communities.

For Muslims, this creates a serious problem. Our religion teaches us that our desires must be guided by revelation and that our obligations to Allah and other people are part of what gives our lives meaning.

We are not here simply to pursue whatever we happen to want. We are here to worship Allah, fulfil our responsibilities, develop good character, and contribute positively to the world around us.

From Individual Rights to Individualism

It is important to distinguish between having individual rights and adopting an individualistic worldview.

Islam recognizes that individuals have rights. A person has a right to personal dignity, lawful property, and protection from injustice. Islam also recognizes individual differences, talents, ambitions, and legitimate personal interests.

The problem is not that we have our own goals. The problem is believing that our goals should always take priority over everything else.

For example, there is nothing wrong with pursuing a career, building a business, developing a skill, or making time for personal interests. These can all be worthwhile pursuits. But if someone becomes so focused on career advancement that they neglect their parents, abandon their spouse’s needs, or have no time for their children, then something has gone wrong.

Likewise, wanting rest and personal time is reasonable. But if every family gathering feels like an inconvenience, every request for help feels like an intrusion, and every responsibility feels like an unfair burden, then perhaps we need to examine our understanding of life.

Islam does not ask us to erase ourselves. It asks us to put ourselves in the proper place within a larger moral framework.

We have rights, but so do other people. We have needs, but so do our families. We have ambitions, but we also have responsibilities. A mature Muslim learns to consider all these things together rather than treating personal preference as the deciding factor in every situation.

Individualism and the Breakdown of Family Life

One of the areas where individualism can have serious consequences is family life.

For much of human history, family was understood in a broader sense than the small household that many people associate with the term today. Families often included grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, and multiple generations living close together. These extended networks provided practical support, financial assistance, childcare, companionship, and a sense of belonging.

Family was not simply a group of people who shared a home. It was a network of mutual obligations.

If a relative fell on hard times, the family would try to help. If an elderly parent needed care, the children would have a role to play. If someone travelled through a city where relatives lived, there was an expectation that those relatives would welcome them and offer assistance.

Of course, extended families have not always functioned perfectly. They can also become sources of conflict, unfair expectations, and unhealthy pressure. But the principle of family members caring for one another remains valuable.

The individualistic mindset weakens this sense of shared responsibility. People increasingly want the freedom to make decisions without considering how those decisions affect anyone else. Marriage and children can begin to look like restrictions on personal freedom rather than relationships that bring meaning, companionship, and opportunities for service.

A person may ask, “Why should I take on the responsibility of marriage or children when I could spend my time and money doing whatever I want?”

This is a question worth reflecting on. Responsibilities certainly bring challenges, and marriage and parenthood are not easy. But they also give us opportunities to love, serve, grow, and build something that extends beyond our own lives.

There is a particular kind of maturity that comes from being responsible for other people. When we care for children, support our spouses, look after ageing parents, or take responsibility for employees, we learn to think beyond our immediate wants. We become more patient, more dependable, and more aware of the consequences of our decisions.

This is an important part of adulthood. Responsibility is not merely a burden to be minimized. It is also one of the ways we develop character.

The same applies to the way we approach marriage. A difficult period in a marriage does not automatically mean that the relationship should end. Sometimes couples need better communication, more patience, outside advice, or a willingness to change their own behaviour. A healthy marriage requires effort from both spouses, and both need to recognize that their personal happiness cannot be separated entirely from their responsibilities towards each other.

This does not mean that divorce is always wrong or that someone should remain in an abusive marriage. There are situations in which separation is necessary. The point is that we should not treat every difficulty or inconvenience as proof that a relationship is no longer worth maintaining.

We need to recover the understanding that relationships are worth working on.

What Happens When Community Responsibility Disappears?

Individualism does not only affect families. It also changes the way we understand our responsibilities towards the wider community.

Islam recognizes the concept of fard kifayah, a collective obligation. These are duties that must be fulfilled by the Muslim community, even if they are not individually obligatory upon every Muslim. If enough people fulfil the obligation, the wider community is relieved of it. If nobody fulfils it, the community may collectively be blameworthy.

The care of the deceased is one example. The Muslim community needs people who know how to prepare the deceased for burial, perform the funeral prayer, and help ensure that burial takes place. These tasks cannot simply be ignored because everyone is busy with personal affairs.

Yet many communities depend on a small group of dedicated volunteers, often people who have served for years. As they grow older, there may be too few younger people willing to take their place.

The same pattern can occur in many other areas. Mosques need volunteers. Families need people willing to help struggling relatives. Community organizations need people who can organize programmes, support the vulnerable, and pass their skills on to the next generation.

If everyone asks only what they will personally gain from volunteering, many important services will eventually disappear.

A healthy Muslim community needs people who are willing to contribute even when there is no financial reward, public recognition, or personal advantage. Sometimes we help simply because something needs to be done and we are in a position to do it.

This applies to wealth as well. If someone has the ability to create jobs, support local businesses, help struggling families, or fund beneficial projects, they should consider how their resources can benefit others. Not every social problem can be solved by government, and communities have always depended on individuals and families who are willing to take initiative.

We also have responsibilities towards the Ummah beyond our immediate surroundings. When Muslims are suffering, we should not assume that their problems have nothing to do with us simply because they live far away. We can make du’a, give charity, raise awareness, advocate for justice, and take lawful, meaningful action according to our abilities.

The point is not that every individual can solve every problem. The point is that we should develop a sense of responsibility rather than treating the suffering of others as someone else’s concern.

Individualism Creates a Lonely World

One of the saddest consequences of excessive individualism is the loneliness it can produce.

When people are taught to prioritize their own interests above their relationships, they may gradually lose the very relationships that make life meaningful. They stop visiting relatives because they are busy. They avoid friendships because maintaining them takes effort. They withdraw from community activities because they would rather spend their free time alone.

Eventually, they may find themselves surrounded by fewer and fewer people who genuinely know them.

I have noticed differences in how people interact across the places I have travelled. In some communities, there is a strong culture of hospitality and friendliness. People are willing to help strangers, welcome newcomers, and build friendships without first asking what they might gain from the relationship.

In other places, people may be more guarded. A friendly stranger can be met with suspicion because people have become accustomed to assuming that everyone has an ulterior motive.

Of course, no society is entirely trusting or entirely suspicious. Every community has good people and bad people, and trust must be balanced with wisdom. But when a general sense of mutual responsibility disappears, it becomes much harder to build the relationships on which healthy communities depend.

This is one reason I believe we need to take the problem of individualism seriously. Human beings need companionship. We need people who care about us, people we can turn to when life becomes difficult, and people who will notice when something is wrong.

We also need to be those people for others.

It is worth thinking about the long-term consequences of the choices we make today. A young person may have plenty of friends and family around them now, but parents grow older, siblings develop their own responsibilities, and circumstances change. We cannot assume that the support networks we enjoy at one stage of life will remain unchanged forever.

Building and maintaining relationships takes time. Marriage, family, friendships, and community involvement are all areas that require investment. If we spend decades avoiding commitments and withdrawing from others, we may eventually find that we have very few people to rely on.

This is not an argument that everyone must follow the same life path or that people who are unmarried or childless cannot live meaningful lives. Circumstances differ, and Allah has decreed different paths for different people. Rather, it is a reminder that human beings need connection and that we should not casually discard the relationships and responsibilities that help us build it.

Happiness is not found only in personal freedom or the absence of obligations. It can also be found in being needed, being loved, caring for others, and belonging to something larger than ourselves.

Islam Teaches Interdependence, Not Isolation

If individualism is one extreme, there is another extreme we must avoid: the idea that the individual has no rights and must sacrifice everything for the family, community, or state.

Islam does not teach either extreme.

A person should not be so focused on personal interests that they neglect everyone else. But neither should they be expected to abandon every personal ambition or ignore their own health in the name of serving others.

The Prophet ﷺ taught us this principle through his guidance on balancing different rights and responsibilities. In the well-known narration concerning Salman al-Farisi and Abu al-Darda, Salman reminded Abu al-Darda that his Lord, his own self, and his family all had rights over him. When the matter was brought to the Prophet ﷺ, he affirmed Salman’s understanding.

This is a profound principle for everyday life. We have obligations towards Allah, obligations towards our own bodies, and obligations towards other people. A healthy life requires us to give each its due.

We need time for worship, time for family, time for work, time for the community, and time for rest. Neglecting one area for too long will eventually affect the others.

This is why I believe the concept of interdependence is a better way of understanding the Islamic approach to relationships.

Interdependence means recognizing that we can do some things independently, but we function better when we work together. We have different strengths and weaknesses, and we can use our strengths to help others while allowing them to contribute their strengths in return.

Consider marriage. A husband and wife are not supposed to be strangers living parallel lives, each concerned only with personal goals. They are partners who support one another, fulfil their responsibilities, and build a life together. Each spouse has rights, and each has obligations. A successful marriage requires both people to understand this and work towards fulfilling it.

The same principle applies to parents and children. When we are young, we depend on our parents for almost everything. As we grow older, we become more capable and independent. But that does not mean our relationship with our parents should become irrelevant. We can still seek their advice, spend time with them, help them through difficulties, and support them as they grow older.

At different stages of life, the balance changes. Parents who once cared for us may eventually need our care. Children who once depended on us may grow up to become our closest companions and sources of support.

This is how human life works. We are not meant to move through life without needing anyone. We are meant to contribute to one another’s lives.

The same is true of society as a whole. Doctors need other professionals to run hospitals. Businesses depend on customers, employees, suppliers, and communities. Scholars depend on teachers and students, and every community needs people with different skills to fulfil its needs.

Complete independence is an illusion. Even those who pride themselves on being self-sufficient depend on countless people whose work they may never see.

The question, then, is not whether we will depend on others. We already do. The question is whether we will acknowledge this reality and build relationships based on mutual support, responsibility, and gratitude.

Taking Care of Others Without Neglecting Yourself

One misunderstanding of Islamic teachings on service is that being a good Muslim means constantly sacrificing yourself for everyone else. This is not what Islam teaches.

You should take care of others while taking care of yourself. These are not mutually exclusive goals.

You should get enough sleep, look after your health, pursue lawful interests, develop your skills, and make time for rest. You should also fulfil your responsibilities towards your family, community, and religion.

The challenge is to find a reasonable balance.

For example, if you have a demanding job and young children, you may not be able to volunteer for every community project. That is understandable. But you can still find some way to contribute, even if it means helping occasionally, donating to a worthwhile cause, or supporting someone who has more time available.

If you need time alone to recharge, take it. But do not allow that need to become a permanent excuse for avoiding everyone in your life.

If you have personal ambitions, pursue them. But consider how you can pursue them without neglecting the people who depend on you.

And if you are in a genuinely harmful relationship, seeking safety, support, and appropriate boundaries is not selfishness. Islam does not require you to expose yourself to abuse in order to prove that you are patient.

Balance requires wisdom. It means understanding your capabilities, recognizing your obligations, and making choices that take both into account.

Relationships Should Not Be Transactional

There is another important lesson we need to learn about relationships: they should not be based entirely on what we receive in return.

If you are only good to your parents because you expect them to reward you, your relationship has become transactional. If you help a friend only because you expect them to help you later, your generosity has limits defined entirely by personal benefit. If you serve your community only when you receive recognition, you are missing an important part of the purpose of service.

As Muslims, we should strive to do good for the sake of Allah.

You care for your parents because Allah has commanded you to honour them. You raise your children well because they are a trust from Allah. You treat your spouse with kindness because it is part of fulfilling your responsibilities and living according to the guidance of your religion. You help your neighbour because their rights matter, and you contribute to the community because its wellbeing matters.

You do not need to keep a record of every good deed and demand repayment.

Of course, healthy relationships involve mutual care. A spouse should not be expected to carry every responsibility alone, and a person who continually gives while being exploited may need to establish boundaries. Mutual responsibility is part of what makes relationships sustainable.

But our own contribution should not depend entirely on whether we receive an immediate benefit. We should be willing to do good because it is good and because we seek the pleasure of Allah.

There is something liberating about this approach. When you help someone sincerely for the sake of Allah, you do not need to spend your time calculating whether they have done enough for you in return. You can appreciate their kindness when it comes without making it the condition for your own good character.

This is how strong families and communities are built. People fulfil their responsibilities because they recognize them as responsibilities, not because they are constantly negotiating the terms of every interaction.

Learn to Overlook the Faults of Others

A final lesson follows naturally from this understanding of relationships: we must learn to overlook ordinary human mistakes.

One of the problems with modern approaches to relationships is that we often expect other people to be perfect while making excuses for our own shortcomings.

We want our parents to understand us at all times, our spouses to meet our needs perfectly, our children to behave exactly as we wish, and our friends never to disappoint us. When they inevitably fall short, we may begin to question the entire relationship.

But every person has faults. Every person has moments of weakness. Every person will sometimes say or do something they later regret.

If we want our relationships to survive, we must learn to distinguish between ordinary mistakes and serious wrongdoing. Someone losing their temper, saying something hurtful, or making an honest mistake is not necessarily a reason to end a relationship. If they recognize their mistake, show genuine remorse, and try to improve, forgiveness can help the relationship become stronger.

This is not about pretending that wrongdoing does not matter. Accountability is important, and repeated harmful behaviour cannot simply be ignored. But we should not allow every disagreement to become a permanent rupture.

The story of Yusuf عليه السلام, the example of Abu Bakr رضي الله عنه, and the broader teachings of the Qur’an and Sunnah remind us that forgiveness is an important part of faith.

Sometimes we must be the person who makes the first move. Sometimes we must swallow our pride, apologize, or accept an apology. Sometimes we must recognize that preserving a valuable relationship matters more than winning an argument.

And sometimes, we must be patient with the fact that people are still growing, just as we are.

Rebuilding an Islamic Approach to Life

The influence of individualism is not always obvious. We may never sit down and consciously decide that our personal interests matter more than everything else. Instead, we absorb this mindset through the ideas and messages that surround us.

We hear that we should never compromise, that our happiness is the highest priority, and that we should remove anyone from our lives who makes things difficult. We may begin to interpret ordinary responsibilities as unfair burdens and normal relationship challenges as signs that something is fundamentally wrong.

This is why we need to reflect on our assumptions. We need to ask ourselves whether the way we think about family, marriage, friendship, and community is shaped more by modern cultural messages or by the teachings of Islam.

Are we maintaining our family ties? Do we make time for our parents? Are we fulfilling our responsibilities towards our spouses and children? Do we know our neighbours? Are we contributing to our communities? Are we willing to help people without expecting something in return?

These are important questions because our answers reveal something about our understanding of Islam.

A society in which people genuinely care for one another will not be free of problems. There will still be disagreements, mistakes, and difficult relationships. But when people recognize their responsibilities and are willing to work through ordinary difficulties, families become stronger and communities become more supportive.

We need to recover this way of thinking. We need to build families in which people look after one another, communities in which people volunteer and contribute, and friendships in which generosity is not dependent on personal gain.

We need to teach our children that success is not measured only by what they achieve individually, but also by the good they bring into the lives of others. We need to remind ourselves that our time, wealth, knowledge, and skills are gifts from Allah that can be used to benefit others.

Most importantly, we need to remember that our lives are not just about us.

Islam teaches us to worship Allah, fulfil our responsibilities, maintain our relationships, and serve the people around us. It teaches us to balance our own needs with the needs of others, and to recognize that personal development and social responsibility can go hand in hand.

The goal is not to become completely independent of everyone else. The goal is to become a person who can be relied upon, who contributes to the wellbeing of others, and who knows how to receive help with gratitude when it is needed.

We are human beings. We need each other.

And when we build our relationships upon faith, responsibility, patience, and sincere service to Allah, we create the conditions for healthier families, stronger communities, and more meaningful lives.

May Allah help us fulfil the rights of those around us, maintain our family ties, serve our communities, and develop the kind of character that brings benefit to others. Amin.

This lesson is extracted from our Ethical Living course. Access the full course here.