Dealing with the loss of a loved one

This article is an extract from the book Islam: A Practical Guide, available as part of our ultimate book bundle here.

Every day, our communities receive three or four funeral notifications. Our people are struggling to cope with this trial. For decades, we might have lost one person every year or two, but now it’s almost daily. How do we deal with this Islamically? Here are six steps to keep in mind to help us navigate these difficult times:

Say “Inna Lillahi wa Inna Ilayhi Raji’un”

In the Qur’an, Allah says,

وَلَنَبْلُوَنَّكُمْ بِشَيْءٍ مِنَ الْخَوْفِ وَالْجُوعِ وَنَقْصٍ مِنَ الْأَمْوَالِ وَالْأَنْفُسِ وَالثَّمَرَاتِ ۗ وَبَشِّرِ الصَّابِرِينَ

الَّذِينَ إِذَا أَصَابَتْهُمْ مُصِيبَةٌ قَالُوا إِنَّا لِلَّهِ وَإِنَّا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعُونَ

“We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits, but give good tidings to those who are patient, who, when calamity strikes, say, ‘Indeed, to Allah we belong and to Him we shall return.’”[1]

This phrase, “Inna Lillahi wa Inna Ilayhi Raji’un” (Indeed, to Allah we belong and to Him we shall return) is not restricted to death but applies to any calamity, such as loss of wealth, a job, or a business. Saying it:

Acknowledges the calamity is from Allah.
Accepts Allah’s Qadar (decree).
Expresses sabr (patience).
Reminds us that everything is finite, as we say “we” belong to Allah and return to Him, not just the deceased. We do not say that he is from Allah and to Allah he returned. We say that we are from Allah. This humbles us, reminding us of our own lives are temporary and everything around us is finite.

Say “Alhamdulillah”

The Prophet ﷺ said, ‘When a child of the slave (of Allah) dies, Allah says to the angels: “Have you taken the fruits of his work.” They reply: “Yes.”

So, He says: “What did My slave say?” They reply: “He praised you and mentioned that to You is the return.”

So, Allah says: “Build a house in Paradise for My slave, and name it ‘the house of praise.’”[2]

This Hadith highlights two responses (here we are talking about a child who is beloved to their parents, but it applies with other loved ones as well): saying “Inna Lillahi wa Inna Ilayhi Raji’un” and praising Allah with “Alhamdulillah”. Saying “Alhamdulillah” during loss may seem strange, as we’re conditioned to say it for good news.

Yet, we must show gratitude in all situations, Alhamdulillah is a statement that should come on the tongue of the believer in every situation. You can say “Alhamdulillah” for the deceased’s faith, good ending, or life, or simply because Allah is worthy of praise in every condition. We have this phrase, “Alhamdulillah ‘ala kulli haal” (الحمد لله على كل حال) in our culture, “All praise is for Allah in every condition”. In the funeral prayer, many madhhabs require reciting Surah Al-Fatiha, which begins with “Alhamdulillah” the opening words of this chapter.

There is no sin in grief

It’s permissible and healthy to feel sad and cry. Some cultures, including our own, mistakenly view crying at a funeral as haram, sinful or displeasing to Allah. We see sometimes someone’s on the verge of breaking down and they’re full of tears and they want to cry and hug someone, and people tell them don’t cry, you are not allowed to cry.

This is not Islamic. It is a cultural misunderstanding. The Islamic way is to cry without saying anything that is displeasing to Allah.

When the Prophet’s ﷺ son Ibrahim passed away, he cried, and the companions asked, “You also cry?” He replied, “Verily, the eyes shed tears and the heart is grieved, yet we will not say anything, but what is pleasing to our Lord. We are saddened by your departure, O Ibrahim.”[3]

Crying is Sunnah, as long as we avoid saying anything displeasing to Allah. Console those who are grieving with hugs, not admonishments to stop crying.

Only intervene if they’re about to say something displeasing to Allah. People might argue that there are certain narrations about the prophets or companions stopping people from grieving. We must understand these narrations in context. This prohibition is for wailing, a practice of the Arabs at that time, where women would go to the grave and they would perform by screaming and crying in a performative manner. Exaggerated outbursts, like wailing at graves, are prohibited, but natural tears are not. Crying is the normal human reaction.

Support the Grieving Family

When Ja’far ibn Abi Talib, the Prophet’s ﷺ cousin and close friend, was martyred at the Battle of Mu’tah, the Prophet ﷺ visited his family to convey the news. His children hugged Prophet ﷺ. Ja’far’s wife, Asma, narrated that she saw distress on his face and feared the worst. She was afraid to ask because she already knows in her heart.

The family cried upon hearing of Ja’far’s death, and the Prophet ﷺ instructed his wives to prepare food for them, saying, “Grief has overtaken them”. This is the Sunnah: support the grieving family, don’t burden them.

In some cultures, families of the deceased are expected to host feasts, which is difficult to do in such a state and burdening people with this is against the Sunnah.

Instead, make things easy for them. Provide food, cover funeral expenses, lead the prayer, or perform good deeds on their behalf. At minimum, attend the janazah (funeral) and console the family. Fulfil the rights of the deceased. It is against the Sunnah to burden the family of the deceased, and we have to get rid of this cultural practice because it is creating an unnecessary difficulty on top of another problem. People are already dealing with the problem of losing a loved one. It builds another difficulty of preparing food for hundreds of people who are coming for the funeral which is extremely unfair to them.

Handle the Janazah Properly

Bury the deceased as soon as possible, ideally in the town where they passed away. Transporting the body to another country is permissible but not ideal and not from the Sunnah. Burying the same day is a widely practiced Sunnah, the idea of waiting for a long time is against the Sunnah. However, avoid extremes; if family members are an hour or two away, wait to allow them to attend. Delaying beyond 24 hours is problematic unless necessary.

Inform absent family members with empathy. Avoid ritualistic rigidity or imposing personal opinions during the funeral, such as debating Fiqh or theological issues. For example, madhhabs[4] differ on whether reciting Qur’an for the deceased benefits them; don’t impose your view in a Hanafi[5] home where they recite. Funerals are for empathy, not arguments. A funeral is not a time to impose your understanding of Islam, empathy is required.

Do Good for the Deceased

Speak only good of the deceased and avoid mentioning their faults. If they died upon faith, highlight their good deeds and make dua for their forgiveness. Don’t discuss their bad habits, or don’t expose their sins, it’s between them and Allah. How you treat other’s faults determines how yours will be treated. Two agreed-upon actions benefit the deceased:

Sadaqah Jariyah: Give charity on their behalf, ideally ongoing, like building a well, masjid, orphanage, or school in their name.

Dua: Make dua for their forgiveness and acceptance of their good deeds. Even social media allows the entire ummah to make dua for one person, a great honour. Be generous with dua for the deceased.

Dealing with loss involves saying “Inna Lillahi wa Inna Ilayhi Raji’un” and “Alhamdulillah,” crying naturally, supporting the grieving, handling the janazah properly, and doing good for the deceased. These steps combine sabr, shukr, and tawakul, helping us navigate grief Islamically while preparing for our own return to Allah ﷻ.

This article is an extract from the book Islam: A Practical Guide, available as part of our ultimate book bundle here.

[1] Qur’an 2:155–156

[2] Tirmidhi 1021

[3] Sahih al-Bukhari 1303

[4] Schools of Fiqh. There are traditionally four schools of Fiqh in the Muslim world, reflecting four approaches to interpreting the law.

[5] The Hanafi madhab is the largest school of Fiqh in the Muslim world today.