The Art of Parenting
Among the qualities of Allah’s true servants is their constant dua for their families.
رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَاجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّاتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَاجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا
“Our Lord, grant us from our spouses and offspring comfort to our eyes and make us leaders for the righteous.” (Qur’an 25:74)
Notice how Allah does not just say they make dua for good children, but rather for righteous spouses and children who will be the coolness of their eyes, a source of joy in this world and the next. This shows us that parenting in Islam is not just a duty, but it is an act of worship, a trust, and a lifelong dua.
Parenting is a common concern, with many asking why there are few detailed books on parenting, checklists, or fiqh chapters on the topic. Parenting is not a science with a universal to-do list but an art, guided by broad principles that adapt to different times, places, families, and children. No two children or circumstances are identical, and strategies effective for one child may not suit another. The Qur’an and Hadith offer generalized principles, often context-specific, rather than detailed prescriptions.
The reality is that parenting offers no guarantees, as guidance is ultimately in Allah’s hands, once a child reaches adulthood, their choices are between them and Allah. But as parents, we will be asked whether we fulfilled our trust. Some people ask: “If guidance is in Allah’s hands, what’s the point of trying? I know righteous parents whose children went astray, and corrupt parents whose children became righteous.”
The answer is twofold:
It is an amanah (trust) from Allah, that parents must fulfil. Some question the purpose of parenting, citing examples of pious children from corrupt homes or wayward children from righteous ones. Parenting is about accountability to Allah, showing you fulfilled your duty. You will stand before Allah and must show that you did your best. You cannot say, “Others failed, so I won’t try.” That excuse will not work.
Historically, righteous parenting across generations produced extraordinary Muslims. Many of our great scholars and leaders were the product of generations of righteous parenting. Like Umar ibn Abdul Aziz (his mother was the granddaughter of Umar ibn Khattab), three generations of piety shaped his leadership, or Aisha raised by early converts Abu Bakr and Umm Ruman. These are just some examples of the potential results of parenting done well.
Core Principles of Islamic Parenting
While there is no set formula for parenting, there are some core principles that work well and are universally applicable. Here are four principles from the Qur’an, Sunnah, and early Muslims to raise righteous children, fostering values that prepare them for marriage and life.
Make Dua for Your Children:
Almost every story of parents in the Qur’an is tied to dua, such as those of Ibrahim and Yaqub for their children’s guidance. Parents should daily recite the dua asking for spouses and children who are the “coolness of their eyes” and leaders of the righteous, aiming for the highest aspirations, asking for the best of the best. Make this dua in late-night prayers and after every salah regularly.
Build a Strong Relationship with Your Children:
Fractured parent-child relationships often lead to children straying, even in pious homes. Many children go astray not because their parents weren’t religious, but because the relationship was broken and the children did not feel loved. Parents who only engage with anger or punishment, who ignore their children’s feelings and close communication channels, drive children to seek guidance elsewhere.
The Qur’an shows us the importance of close bonds, like Yusuf confiding his dream to his father, Yaqub, or Ibrahim discussing his dream with his son Ismail. Parents must ask, “Do our children confide in us?” fostering open dialogue and valuing their opinions. Do our children feel comfortable coming to us with their fears, doubts, and even dreams? If not, we must change the way we connect with them. Build a strong loving relationship in which your children feel confident to confide in you and seek your advice.
Be a Role Model:
Children imitate what you do, not what you say. They emulate a parent’s actions, not their words. If you don’t pray, your advice about prayer will carry no weight, they won’t take your advice on prayer seriously. A father neglecting the five daily salah cannot expect his child to take prayer seriously.
Parenting forces personal growth. When the first child is born, parents are compelled to mature. It pushes them to transform into better Muslims, because suddenly someone is watching, someone is looking up to them. This is why Islam encourages having children young. At a young age, you can no longer behave like a rebellious teenager, you are now a parent, a role model.
Children often mirror their parents’ behaviour. If parents are abusive, children may grow up abusive. If parents use vulgar language, children often repeat it. If parents smoke or take drugs, children may follow that path. But if parents engage in community service, children grow to serve the community. If parents frequent the masjid, children may frequent the masjid. If parents study the deen, children will likely study it too.
Even unconsciously, children mirror what they see. If we want to be good parents, we must first strive to be good Muslims. Our children will not simply do what they hear, but what they observe. We must become the role models they deserve. Pious parents, like those who frequent the masjid or study the religion, inspire children to do the same.
Actively Participate in Their Education:
The companions personally taught their children or sought the best teachers for them. Umar ibn Abdul Aziz’s mother, for example, left him in Medina under Abdullah ibn Umar so he could learn directly from the companions to ensure his best education. Because his father was appointed as the governor of Egypt, his parents had to move from Medina to Egypt. His mother made the conscious decision to leave her son behind in Medina, as the last few companions were still alive, and she wanted him to benefit from them.
Imam al-Shafi’i, when his father died, his mother moved from Gaza to Makkah, and later to Madinah, so he could study with the best scholars available.
Tarbiya, the nurturing and education of a child is primarily the duty of parents. Outsourcing education to schools or madrasas neglects the parental duty of tarbiya.
Practical steps matter. Do we hold family study circles at home? Do we sit together and discuss what we’ve learned during the day? Do we maintain a family library with Islamic books? Do we watch Islamic lectures together, or create an environment of learning in the household? Parents must engage directly in their children’s learning, guiding both their Islamic and worldly education.
Parents must engage in their children’s Islamic and worldly education through family study circles, discussions, or curated resources. Outsourcing education entirely to schools or madrasas neglects the parental duty of tarbiya.
Parenting Teenagers: Treating Them as Young Adults
Parenting evolves with a child’s age, and the pre-teen and teenage years are particularly challenging. Just as you figure out how to raise a five-year-old, your child becomes nine. Soon after, they enter the pre-teen stage, and before long, they are teenagers. This constant change makes parenting difficult and more challenging.
Islamically, there is no concept of a “teenager” phase, puberty marks adulthood, with full accountability to Allah. The modern “teenager” concept, coined in the 1950s for a new consumer market, promotes rebellion as a norm, promoted through movies and media, until both parents and children accept it as inevitable.
Historically, from the stories of companions, we know, young Muslims like Abdullah ibn Abbas studied Hadith at thirteen, and Usama ibn Zaid led armies at eighteen. Centuries later, Sultan Muhammad al-Fatih commanded troops in his early teens, which eventually led to him conquering Constantinople in his twenties. Muslim youth were never defined by rebellion but by responsibility.
We abandoned that Islamic paradigm, and we embraced a man-made paradigm. What makes an eighteen-year-old an adult? What does an eighteen-year-old have that a seventeen-year-old does not? Biologically a child becomes an adult when he is able to produce children. This is when the child hits puberty.
To parent teenagers and want to have a better relationship with them, treat them as young adults, giving them responsibilities, valuing their opinions, and discussing faith, doubts, career, and marriage openly. Maintain honest conversation with them. Provide them with financial responsibilities and household duties.
Avoid sending mixed signals. Don’t call your child “a man” when scolding him, but “just a child” when he asks for responsibility. This causes confusion. Instead, set clear house rules: “You are a young adult living under my roof. Until you earn your own income and move out, these are the expectations.”
Clear house rules for young men or women foster maturity and prevent the “man-child” phenomenon, were overprotective parenting delays adulthood. Today there are thirty-year-old men who refuse to grow up, refuse to take responsibility because their mothers treated them as babies far too long.
When teenagers are treated as adults, rebellion is not inevitable. In fact, many families who follow this approach report their children never experienced a rebellious phase. The so-called “teen problem” is not Islamic; it is cultural. Treating young people as adults from puberty helps them mature into capable, responsible Muslims.
Parenting as a Trust
Parenting is not a checklist or a rigid science. Parenting is an art guided by Islamic principles: dua, strong relationships, being a role model, and active education. These prepare children for faith, responsibility, and marriage, countering trials like individualism, immorality, and the normalization of zina. While outcomes are in Allah’s hands, parents must do their part sincerely and fulfil their trust. After that, a child’s choices when they become adults are between them and Allah.
This article is an extract from our hit new book Islam: A Practical Guide. Access the digital edition here, or the physical edition here.
